I’ve taken some time out from this world to think about my existence and to truely find out what this life means to me. It’s interesting when you think about it. I’ve always thought about purpose and direction ever since I could remember. In fact, there is one memory that stands out.
It’s gray outside. The streets were wet and flooded in some areas due to sewage drains clogged with trash. It’d been raining all week and to make matters worst, I acted up that day which means my dad spanked that ass and punished me to my room. That’s why I’d been staring out of my window upstairs in my corner bedroom. The window was surrounded by an old wood frame that had been painted over to many times for anyone to count yet it still was splitting and splintering. I used 3M tape to cover up the cracks; Dad hated that. Yeah, that was me, the kid that always had crazy plans that were more trouble than what it was worth. That particular day however, questions kept running through my head. As a kid, there was only one that I really gave thought to, “Why Am I Here!”. I really never had a real answer then but, if thought was put into it, the answer would be based purely on cartoons that I had been watching that day. My imagination ran in circles even when I slept. I could have been cited with Attention Deficit Disorder but lucky for me that phrase wasn’t coined yet.
Until I found the truth, that question – Why Am I Here! stayed a lingering uninterrupted flow of chaotic energy. It was so distracting. Taking from everything that I held close to my heart. My direction changed like the wind. Never having a hold on anything that really mattered I moved aimlessly through this life. Well, that’s until I went through my awakening season. Everyone in some part of their lives be it young or old connects with their inner truth; it’s usually the latter though. This truth is a core set of rules that indirectly governs their life and the paths chosen throughout. Unless we are truly mature, we can not recognize or identify with this truth. It’s hidden from us. Left alone to be discovered like buried treasure lost at sea by those who hunger for knowledge on a quest for subsistence. My quest began just about 2 years ago. I was lost, angry, confused, directionless and purposeless. Daunting none the less, I was starting back at square one, well actually below square one. I was a wreck! and everything around me was well, what could I say except for, chaotic. So 2 years ago I asked myself not – “Why am I Here?” but instead, “Where do I Begin?”. The best answer for that was the obvious; at the beginning.
I can honestly say that I had rage burning in the core of my spirit. I was unbalanced energy attracting that same energy into my path. It was concealed at best through a mask of fantasy. This mask being drawn together to ease the burden of excuses that had been built up like a wall so great and a density so thick, that not even the purest force could corrode. This began my introversion. Because this was the beginning walk on my path to self discovery I felt like Alice in Wonderland falling deeper into the rabbit hole with no visible end in sight. As I continued my descent I combed through a range of discord. My life became boring and work-filled. Day in and day out it was the same thing. Wake up, brush teeth, bathe, get dressed, feed cats, go to work, come home, turn on the TV (preferably CNN), eat dinner, fall asleep in the big chair, wake up, brush teeth, bathe…. you know the rest. This went on for months. Then, one morning when I was sleeping Phoenix pounced on my chest and started playing with my face as if she was shadowboxing my cheeks. Phoenix was one of my cats. She had a sister named Lexi. Now Lexi was the younger of the two. She was very light hearted, timid and clumsy not like Phoenix who was the direct opposite. She had a presence of royalty. They were deep grey colored Burmese cats with white socks and white covered tummies. I love my kitties. They were beautiful creatures and excellent companions. They insisted my fall down the rabbit hole come to an end. That’s when I finally reached the ground.
I disliked being filled up with this randomly fluctuating ball of chaotic energy. I needed a release. The first step was to get my mind and body in-tuned with a flow that was uplifting and strengthening. It was time to absolve this draining routine and begin something new. I remember being handed a gift, a small nugget of information that made sense. I was told, “You are what you attract!” . However, I fought that statement with blinding force when I first heard it. Making excuses for the people I deemed close friends. I thought that trying to help others in my circle attain focus and clarity would help them reach whatever goals they set. But how could I help someone attain such clarity when I had none? Have you ever taken a step outside of your ego to view everyone around you. I did! Thats when I started to realize the truth. That’s when I started to gain a few pixels of clarity. It was small at first but everyday it grew. It did not happen overnight. This was a process of months. I took notice of the energies that were a constant in my life at that time and surmised they were not forces that added to my existence. They actually subtracted from it, through lying, cheating, manipulation, corruption. All in an effort to gain some sort of sanctuary under my wing. Was that me? Was I all those things? Remember, you are what you attract! I realized there has to be distance. I inferred change. I began to shed my old skin and with it random acquaintances as well as those I considered longtime friends whom I only saw with arms stretched out and palms facing the sky. I confronted head-on everything that carried chaos energy and extricated it. Finally, a veil had been lifted. I remembered the moon being so close, with the night sky clear and colored a deep purplish blue. I did not mind the glaring Burger King lights across 118. I just appreciated being able to see the moon with all its imperfections clearly at that moment as I stood naked on my porch on the second floor of my apartment complex in Germantown with a glass wine, nothing fancy Robert Mondavi Nappa Valley Merlot Vintage 2002.
Now that my question -”Where do I Begin!” has been answered. I moved back to the persisting question “Why am I Here?”. This question became comprehensible only recently. If we are energy moving along a distinct path attracting like energies how do we improve upon what’s already there? Easy, we shape ourselves to be better than we were. This can only happen through constant growth through seeking knowledge and understanding. Reading, researching, discovering, learning, doing, being passionate in your progression. Being Present!!!
Why am I here? I am here to create. I am here to live a life of purpose and meaning through constant learning and a belief that everyday we need to be absorbed in learning something new so that we maybe better than we were the day before.
~gabriel
Deep bro. Deep.
L.
I read this and found something extremely interesting. I was attracted to your work to scour the internet to find more on you. I read your tome and realize you work in one very complicated median–to photograph mostly narcississistic people, alter them and make them evern more beautiful but you write so organically open, those people no matter how much they could and do spit the same tomes, they are not like you. They are people who watch The Matrix and think they are Neo because they want to believe they feel and live that deeply intense and here I see you are actually trying to live that way.
As well you may remain in a Red Light/Green Light phase of escaping inertia that constantly will try to trap you but your dismay and quandary will consistently return as long as you surround yourself around Matrix poseurs. They have no idea they are because as much as they know they want to be more, even the heighten extremity of being more is at a limited threshold. You therefore will be yielded by your circle.
I’ve learned that you have to go it alone and then visual will come to your eyes because your heart will teach your brain to decipher what is what you were searching for. Then you will meet those people who speak your language. You are not there yet. You have to do somemore shedding of friends or associates who are probably some very nice people. Our social systems can hold us back for simple reasons as familiarity and comfort and our minds are so powerful that we can make-believe the outcome we are seeking is really there happening before us.
Being around people in DC all with a script elliciting how great our intentions are is the latest trend. It is common to manicure out exteriors to look the part while our interiors remain the same in inertia repeating the lines from scripts that we all are trying to grow. It’s our self-possessive era we live in that makes us all seek to be paint-by-the-numbers heroes and formulaic heroes, packaged in a box for those who think they are well-intentioned.
Write more. Please.